Selfishness: We All Do It

Selfishness: We All Do It

How many times have you called a friend to see how they were doing but you actually just wanted to talk about YOU and YOUR problems?


How many times have you started a new relationship and left your ‘friend” on the outs but as soon as things went the wrong way, you ran back expecting that same friend to be there for you?


How many times have you forgotten to call back or return a text when someone just says ‘hello” or ‘good morning” but got mad when your call to them went unanswered?


How many times have you asked your introvert friend to go out to a club or crowded place to hang out because it was what YOU wanted to do?


How many times have you told other people that you didn’t know what was ‘wrong” with your friend or roommate because they decided they are tired of how you treat or mistreat them?



The problem is no one ever wants to look at the cause of the effect, especially when they are the actual cause. You cannot expect people to continue accepting selfish behavior. I’m an advocate for communication, especially amongst those you truly care about. However, I don’t believe in repetitive conversations with adults. It’s one thing to acknowledge certain behaviors but when you fail to change, you create a need for the other person to react. I always say I cannot change people but I can change how I deal with them. Some find that to be a valid philosophy and are even amused when I apply it to certain people. Yet it isn’t a popular reaction when it is applied to them.


When you ask someone how they are doing, allow them to fully answer. Then ask a follow up question. Don’t ask anticipating an opportunity to take over the conversation. Listen and respond. Friends should have genuine interest in each other’s lives. Conversations should be fluid and effortless. There are people I know who call me with the guise of ‘girl, how are you doing today”? But as soon as I get the word “fine” out of my mouth, the conversation quickly turns into “me..my…mine…I”. I truly believe as a woman, I have to allow other women to shine. As a designer, I have to deal with groups of women all the time. There is always someone trying to one up the other or seeking attention –whether negative or positive. I have actually had to tell females I deal with to have appropriate conversations because they go so far to the left with their personal business once they have an audience. They don’t notice that they are making others feel uncomfortable or fail to consider how it may affect me and my business. They only care about themselves, in that moment. It’s just an ugly look.


Let me give you another example: It’s your friend’s birthday. You are out on the town with a few other friends. The birthday girl is looking her best and dancing the night away. All of a sudden everyone starts singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY – now all eyes are on her. One of the“friends” at the outing decides to twerk to the beat of the song and carry on her own chant over the festivities. She sees it as being the life of the party….others see it as a blatant attempt to shift attention. Seriously….This really happens. I’ve seen it and I’ve experienced it. My question is why can’t we all respectfully exist and allow each other to have a moment?


There is also the lack of compromise in friendships these days. Let’s revisit the introvert scenario. You as an extrovert cannot expect your introvert friend to always want to go to the club with you or hang out with your extrovert friends. This creates anxiety and discomfort for an introvert. After a while, they just won’t hang out with you because you don’t get them. Often times, introverts are labeled as depressed and anti-social. This isn’t the case at all. They just enjoy doing different activities and do not want to be the center of attention – ever. As friends, you have to be able to do things you BOTH enjoy, like shopping, going out to eat, a spa day, etc. And when you go out, you can’t monopolize the conversation about yourself either. It is a shared time involving the both of you.


If you’re a person that is consumed by whomever you are dating, chances are you have a set of friends that have fallen off a little bit or maybe a lot. I know this girl that does this all the time. Every time I've suggested we go to a movie, she’d tell me she had to check to make sure her man didn’t want to see that movie with her first. Or if I suggested we hang out, she’d cancel or couldn’t commit because her man made plans for them and would ask me to reschedule. Hold up? You and I had plans first, how do you ask ME to reschedule? Anyway, it was a more often than not occurrence. I eventually blew up, we had a tiff, we squashed it but still til this day.... I barely ask her to kick it. Past experience has conditioned me not to bother with an effort. I could have gotten mad at her man, thinking he is pulling her away from me. But I learned quickly that he didn’t even know a lot of the time that she already had plans. Understand, I’m married. I’ve been through that “my man is my world” thing – I am still in it but there has to always be balance. Not everyone is going to be patient with you as you find that balance –that’s if you are even attempting to find that balance. It is an issue especially if this is what you do every time you enter a relationship. We are getting too old for certain things.

Now I am guilty of a few things. I am bad with answering texts or calls right away. There is a reason. Sometimes I just forget. Last week, my best friend in Detroit (what's up 313!)called me up to say hello. I loved hearing her voice! Still, I didn’t call her back for days because in my mind I had a dialogue with her – yes I hold conversations in my head and don’t judge me for my insanity. This is an example of a mistake of the mind. BUT often times, I am selective about who I talk to or call back. I dread some conversations. I just don’t want to hear about what your man, cousin, mother, sister, or baby daddy did to you especially since you aren’t going to correct the problem. Or deal with someone asking me for advice only to respond with how no one understands (because I am one of those people who don’t understand). I don’t want to hear people brag about what they’ve got, how they got it, or what they plan to get, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to share in people’s accomplishments…but not every single time I see or speak to a person. I am a happy go lucky person. It annoys me to hear someone complain every time I see them. I get caught up in routines and monotony like everyone else. I’m also always tired. I do 1 million things a day including talk on the phone, attend a barrage of meetings and answer over 100 emails a day. Then I go home to my family, do homework, check homework and work on my craft. Time management is my best friend. I just don’t have the energy or the time for a ME ME ME conversation. That may also be selfish of me …but damn it, I’ll own that. I’m just saying. Just don’t ask about me if you really don’t want to hear about me.



There are bigger things going on in the world and within other people’s lives. We forget to step outside of ourselves and look at how someone else may be feeling or how they are really doing. We get so caught up in what is going on with ourselves. Its ok to be excited by new love, new progresses or need a shoulder to lean from time to time. Just doing forget that everyone doesn’t share the same views on love, they may be stagnant in their life’s progress or may be masking their own set of issues and therefore can’t stomach a one-sided conversation – at least not all the time.
Now this is just me. I’m speaking from my perspective. Take it with a grain of salt. But we all are guilty of some things…some of us more than others. Maybe we need to just be more conscious of it.



Thanks for reading! Share if you are so moved to do so.



Nika L A Jones Hollingsworth